My Retirement Speech

I believe in a few things:

A good "show" should involve some of the following. An old standard everybody loves, a new song that leads into the bathroom break, an encore we expect, some tall idiot, and a little crowd involvement, call and respond if you will. Last night I got each of the above. I was happy with the turnout at The House of Blues, Myrtle Beach for Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals. Figured on a packed club, and some annoying situational problems, but folks last night was my last club show for a long time. I think I still might go see Chris Isaak, but its in jeopardy.

I have never had a worse time in this situation. I don't mind being crowded if everyone is into what's happening, but the people surrounding the lower level were beyond non-involved. The crowd around me was comprised of 50% fans paying attention, and 50% Seth Cohen clones not giving a rip if their $40 ticket went to waste. I call it waste. I call it waste because I don't spend $4 and go to a club and text message people, or talk during the entire performance. I wouldn't do that during an opening band. If you don't know Ben Harper his songs have a slightly heavy tone to them. For no apparent reason some meatheads and prototype alpha males decide slower quieter songs are the time to do shots and text message each other whilst giving high fives over some chica. Imagine being at a kegger encircled in Abercrombie wannabe's while reading Emily Dickenson's poetry.

I said Ben Harper's songs have a heavy tone and by no means does he have the talent of an Emily Dickinson, but this high-fivearama, and kamikaze party took place during a song called (I'm not making this up) Widow of a Living Man. The title gives away that it isn't bubblegum.

Ben and the band were really pretty good, but his voice doesn't work in the surroundings of last night. He sings really high and quietly which doesn't work well with noise. I enjoyed the music but will forever have bad feelings about the time and place. I didn't have a good time last night.

One thing I will say in favor of the crowd last night is how nice some people were. I genuinely appreciated being around so many like minded people. Because trust me the minority was the problem, and it took my buddy Dave, others like him and myself to our limits. Screaming in the faces of these jerks didn't fix any problem.

This is just pure rambles of what happened, I can't keep a thought together, but I have developed a new theory: It's not quite as controversial as my "Everything's New" theory, but its not nice. This one I'll publish.

I believe that today's children are more healthy, smarter and more attractive because of at least one thing, mothers don't drink or smoke while pregnant anymore. I guarantee we all know someone who is a little slower, or plain old not normal, and if you look back you can pretty well bet their fetus floated in Wild Turkey during some developmental stage. Anyway I'm tired, so see ya.