It's a bloody mary morning, that's a good line. Willie Nelson is a genius on parallel with Bob Dylan.
Okay, I logged in to tell a tale of horror and disgust from last night. The language of these events may be coarse at times but it will be necessary.
Last night was the first night I went out in August, a new record of some 19 days. It was not a mistake but it has a regret. I went with my normal local crowd; Ricky, Julia, Jackson, Jay and FGDP*.
Our night begins in earnest when I recommend avoiding the hastles of back to school by going to an off the beaten path place, Salty Mikes. I Love this Bar. Its a good coastal place, very humid, salty infact. By this point Jay headed to the local dance club, and FGDP moved on. After about two beers, we make a group decision to tie one on pretty tight. We move from bottle purchases to buckets. Our first bucket is killed in twenty to thirty minutes and I'm on deck. I bring back a new bucket full of ice, and bud light.
We're four beers deep when a woman appears at our table. She immediately thrusts her hands into the bucket and grabs a beer while asking for a beer. Before anyone could say "gasp" she lifted her wife beater and popped the cap. This road whore** was drunk and ready to party with some young guys and a girl. She immediately asks me to scouch over...then yelled what you don't let women with tattoo's sit next to you? I ask befuddled "What". She rips her pants down exposing that thunderbird you see on mud flaps, and some pubic hair. That's right I got a small peak at her formerly special treasure.
With my experience and serious fear, I couldn't say no. She plops down next to me. I ask her if she has been partying, already knowing the answer. This woman was as drunk as Liza Minelli. From here I will refer to her as Lucille 3. If you must question it, it isn't relative to the rest of the story, its just a name. After some banal conversation, our booze monkey reaches in the steel bucket for some ice. Lucille 3 grabs a handful and shoves it down her shirt rubbing it all over her boobs. I said "you must be hot". Well that was the worst mistake I'd made in awhile. Minutes, nay, seconds later her top was off and the bra unhooked.
This road whore, Lucille 3, was nearly 50. I estimate 43 with some serious smoking and druggin'. Now these tits were the worst I'd ever seen. She looked like she nursed a dozen orangutans or possibly was a female wrestler in the '70's. They were beaten badly by time. I understand and respect the aging process, but lets not forget I'm an immature 28 year old that still laughs at farts and boogers. Especially when I'm at Dairy Queen and I fart and pick my nose waiting for my Blizzard. But I digress, afterall we are experiencing public nudity of the worst kind.
It wasn't enough that those really nasty things were out there on some bird flu carrier, they were right next to me. I figured she was gonna pick pocket me or something. Ricky and Julia bolt. Jackson and I sit with Lucille 3 on a picnic table for about forty more seconds, most of which are consumed with laughter, stares and nervousness. She approaches my head to give me some action and I can't move far enough away.
I panic and slide away, all the while looking up to see whats 'acomin'. I look up and see a sweaty $5.00 stuck to right booby. I tell our monster, who casually flicks it off as if it's a fly. Now the boobs are clean enough to slap against my face. Which she does, as I fall down the picnic table towards the ground, where I roll from my knees to a running position. Had this been war I would have gone AWOL, but since I left a man behind I did wait.
After getting regrouped back at the bar, we alert the bartender to a half nude lady drinking beer at the table to his left. He springs into action. Throwing her out of the bar, forcing her to call for a ride. That must not have worked because it turns out this lady is driving. She proceeds to get in a car and smash a couple of others as she hauls whore ass back to well, wherever.
*I want this on record FGDP is not my invention, unfortunately. I thought it might be something everyone knows about, but I actually think I heard it within this click over a year ago and it just wasn't used for a long time. It is however going to be a great band name for when I find a band to attach it to. FGDP is the "inside" nickname for a couple of girls we hang out with. Fat Girl Dance Party.
**Road whore-n. Not my invention, but certainly something I've propagated. Road Whores are the kind of women that look like they fell off of a Harley hit the pavement face first, lit a cigarette and walked to the nearest crackhouse. Road whores are white trash with a special twist.
